Finding Goodbye Page 15

  “It’s fine,” Luke said, pulling himself together.

  Grandma opened up the door and scooted Luna out onto the porch. “There. Silly duck.” She shook her head disapprovingly.

  I pressed my lips into a tight line to hide my amusement.

  “Where’s Liam?” Grandma asked as we came into the kitchen, she had set the table for five.

  “He couldn’t stay,” I replied, trying my best to wipe out the remaining irritation from my voice. Luna had certainly helped in that matter. “He had to study.”

  “Oh, well that’s too bad.” Grandma genuinely looked disappointed. She recovered quickly and hugged Luke, and her features lit up warmly. “It’s lovely to see you, dear.”

  “It’s nice to see you, too,” he said, returning her embrace.

  Grandpa asked blessings over our meal before we began shoveling food on our plates. I carefully cut my chicken into thin pieces, taking small bites and chewing slowly to avoid talking with Luke. I listened as my grandparents asked him about work and classes, wanting to know how life was treating him, etcetera, and etcetera.

  “Honey, can you pass the butter please?” Grandma asked me.

  I picked it up and reached across Luke–without looking at him–to hand her the butter dish.

  “How was Maverick today?” she asked me.

  “He’s improving,” I said. “He still has a long way to go, but he’s incredibly smart and despite what everyone thinks, he has good character.”

  “If anyone can figure him out, it’ll be the pair of you,” Grandpa said encouragingly. “I know he’s a special case.”

  “How long has this Liam guy been working for you?” Luke interjected. I rolled my eyes at my plate.

  “Oh, since November or so,” Grandpa answered. “He’s a smart, decent young man.”

  “He goes to HU. He’s studying to be a veterinarian,” I said. I looked up to meet his gaze for the first time since dinner began.

  Grandma must have detected the continuing tension in the atmosphere as she glanced between the two of us. “Anyone up for dessert?” she asked.

  Luke and I locked eyes, and answered simultaneously with opposite responses. A curt, “no thank you” came from me, while he responded with “yes please.”

  “I’ll just start the dishes,” I said, excusing myself from the kitchen table. Grandma and I rose from the table and set to our individual tasks.

  After Luke and Grandpa had retired into the living room to watch a ball game, Grandma joined me at the counter, helping to put away the clean dishes.

  “What’s going on with the two of you?” Grandma asked blatantly.

  I sighed, hanging the towel over the handle on the oven door to dry. “He told me he didn’t think it was safe for me to be working with the horses because of my condition.”

  Grandma lifted her brows reflexively. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way.”

  “Probably not,” I agreed. “It still pissed me off though.”

  Grandma laughed. “It’s nice to see you’re getting your fiery attitude back.”

  “Grandma…”

  “Look,” she said, holding up a flat palm, “you two will work this out. You’ve been friends for a long time. Don’t let him hurting your pride cause a crack in your kindred friendship.”

  I nodded. She was right. “I’ll talk to him.”

  “Good,” she said, patting me on the shoulder as she walked by on her way to the living room. Luke was looking at me, his blue eyes intent on mine. I tipped my head to the direction of the porch, inviting him to talk.

  “Thank you for dinner,” Luke said, “I’ll see you soon.”

  “Stop by any time,” Grandma told him, and hugged him goodbye.

  The night air was cool as we stepped out onto the porch, and I wrapped my arms around myself to keep warm.

  “I’m sorry for being rude at dinner.” I sighed in defeat. I didn’t want to waste any more energy being angry with the one person who had never done anything to hurt me intentionally. I walked over to the bench and sat down, Luke followed beside me.

  “I’m sorry if I offended you earlier,” he said, tipping his shoulder into mine. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I just don’t want you to get hurt out there.”

  “I know,” I said reluctantly. “I just don’t want you to treat me differently for the rest of my life because of what happened. It’s not fair.”

  He thought for a long moment before he spoke again, studying the wooden planks beneath our feet. “That night changed everything for me,” he said in a low, barely audible tone. “I look at us differently now–whether it’s fair or not.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked him, and waited for him to explain.

  “I know it’s been a sore subject for you, and I think the accident taught us two very different ways to look at life,” he said. “I watched you shut down, and go into self-preservation mode, and I understand why you did it... But for me, it changed the way I looked at everything. Life is too short, Darcy. I want to cling tightly to every moment that makes me feel alive. And you? Well you did the opposite.”

  “I know,” I agreed. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “I’ve been so afraid of losing the rest of what’s good in my life… It was easier for me to keep everyone at a safe distance; I thought that if I kept everyone at arm’s length then maybe I couldn’t get hurt again.” And there it was–the vulnerable truth, spilling from me with a familiar rawness.

  “Life doesn’t work that way, Darcy.” Luke’s voice had a melancholy sound to it that I was sure I’d never heard before. “Hurt is inevitable. It’s just a part of life that every one of us experiences,” he paused, “but that doesn’t mean we get to run away every time something bad happens to us.”

  “I know,” I said again, my voice leaving in a whisper. “I’m kind of a train wreck, aren’t I?”

  “Yeah, but your my train wreck.” He grinned and wrapped his arms around me. I felt his lips brush the top of my head, and my body tensed up. “What?” he asked, loosening his grip. He must have felt my body go rigid.

  “Um, what are you doing, exactly?” I asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “This,” I said, gesturing between us.

  “It’s kind of obvious, isn’t it?” He leaned back into the bench, grinning. “You have to know how much I care about you.”

  “I do,” I said, biting at the inside corner of my cheek. I had no idea how to put words to the feelings that were swirling inside me. Luke was my dearest and closest of friends, but it wasn’t fair for me to let him go on believing that there could ever be anything more... maybe in another life, under different circumstances.

  “Luke, I hope you know how much you mean to me–how much you have always meant to me…”

  “I sense a ‘but’ coming.” He sighed.

  “I just don’t want to lose you,” I said, and felt tears of frustration pooling in the corners of my eyes. There was nothing I could say to make this easier. “I don’t want things to change between us. I like us. I like us just the way we are.”

  Luke leaned forward, taking a deep breath and then blew out slowly. “I guess I just thought… Well. It doesn’t matter.”

  “No, it does matter,” I said earnestly. I leaned back against the bench, my fingers looping around Luke’s wrist. “You matter.”

  He looked up at me; the familiar blue of his eyes that I had always drawn comfort from had turned to steel in my direction. My stomach sank, an iron weight resting in the hollow pit as nausea twisted my gut.

  “Luke?” My voice was a gentle plea.


  “You like him, don’t you?” His voice had hardened. “That Liam guy.”

  “I don’t… I don’t know, but, I don’t want to talk about it, okay? Not like this.”

  Luke nodded, eyes carefully positioned on the floor in front of us.

  “I do love you, you know,” I said.

  “Yeah,” he said, his voice flat, “just not the way I want you to.” He gave a halfhearted smile and pushed to his feet, tucking his hands in his pockets. “I should get going; I have to work early tomorrow.”

  “Please don’t leave like this.” I begged him.

  “Is there a better way?” he asked. His eyes darted back and forth over mine. He was angry, and he was doing his best to compose his true feelings.

  “Just stay,” I said again, “we can talk.”

  “Darcy, you don’t always get to have everything the way you want it.” His words were pointed. Raw. Honest. “I can’t be around you right now, okay? I need some time… some space.”

  Luke turned away from me then. I called after him, but he didn’t stop. I stood on the porch and watched him go, watching the red glow of his taillights dissipating in the dark. There was a ringing in my ears, like the beat of my heart was racing too fast and my body couldn’t keep up with its rhythm; displacing it my ears. I swallowed hard, standing there as tears pricked the corners of my eyes. I leaned against the corner of the house for support. My bones didn’t seem to be doing their job the way they were intended. I sucked in a breath of air, shuddering, as it painfully filled my lungs.

  There was a soft quacking coming from the corner of the porch, and I turned to see Luna waddling up beside me. She twisted her head to look at me, almost as if she were asking a question I didn’t know the answer to.

  Wordlessly, I picked her up and carried her inside. Gently, I sat her down on the floor and watched as she made her way over to the doggy bed and curled up with Radar. I turned for the stairs.

  I felt like I had been riding an emotional roller coaster since waking. The track had finally come to an end, and my body was wrecked with exhaustion.

  I should have been in love with Luke.

  In a world where everything had failed to make sense; he had always been there, guiding me along. As much as I wanted to believe that I was independent before, or equal next to Gabriel and Luke, there was a truth that until now, I had not known. I had been fooling myself. I was living in their shadows, always along for the ride. No, I had not been as independent as I wanted to believe.

  The revelation hit me like a force of falling bricks. For so long I had believed that my path had never been carved out for me. Gabriel and Luke had made life look so easy. I was content to follow in their footsteps, and the reason I didn’t know where I belonged, was because I had never pushed myself to find out.

  Maybe the real reason that I wasn’t in love with Luke, was because he was a safe option. With him, I would always be comfortable; content to sit back and let him guide me through life. It would be easy, like so much before. Just like with Gabriel, I wouldn’t have to worry because he would always be there to take the lead.

  I was ready for something different now. It was time for me to sharpen the machete and trail blaze my own path in life.

  Chapter Eleven

  It rained on Monday morning. It was a slow, lazy drizzle that fell from somewhere high up in the clouds, coloring the world around me the lightest of grays. I cracked open the bedroom window so I could capture the scent, letting it fill the room with spring aromas. The sound of thunder in the near distance rattled the ceiling, echoing my glum mood. It was almost as if the weather was synchronizing with my emotions.

  I was sitting at the small writing desk, typing a quick reply to my mother’s email when I heard the floorboards creak in the hallway. I turned to find Grandpa shrugging into his jacket in the doorway.

  “Good morning,” I said to him.

  “You’re up earlier than usual,” Grandpa commented.

  “I didn’t sleep so well.”

  “Is that bed uncomfortable?” he asked. “It’s an old mattress.”

  “The bed is fine,” I assured him. “It started storming pretty early, the thunder woke me.” I didn’t want him to know that I was up most of the night thinking of the conversation Luke and I had, and how terrible I felt for letting him down… or the life-changing epiphany I had experienced shortly after.

  “I’m just about to head to the barn to collect eggs and milk the cow,” Grandpa said. “Do you want to join me?”

  “Sure,” I said, pushing out from the desk. I could use the diversion. I followed him down the steps and grabbed a jacket and pair of rain boots from the mudroom before heading outside. The rain was cool on my face, but I welcomed the feel of it on my skin.

  Radar followed us into the barn, sniffing around the hen house when we entered to collect the eggs. Grandpa readied their feed while I gathered the eggs from the nests, admiring the different colors and patterns. Next, we checked on Loretta, gathering the supplies necessary to milk and feed her. I sat next to Grandpa on a hay bale, leaning back against the wall for support, and watched him set to work.

  Behind us, the white light was streaming in through the opened panel, revealing that the rain was still falling outside. It dripped down the outer wall, creating a thin strip of water that pooled beneath the door in the mud. From this angle, looking at it was like looking into a funhouse mirror. My reflection was stretched and distorted. The new me, I thought disdainfully.

  “Great Grandpa MacKenna used to run the farm, right?” I asked, staring out the side opening, watching the rain.

  “Uh-huh,” Grandpa replied. “That’s right.”

  “Did you always want to be a farmer?”

  “Not always,” he said, “but I was the only son, and the responsibility fell on me.”

  “Doesn’t seem fair,” I commented. So much for being able to choose your own path in life.

  “Maybe not, but sometimes the things you don’t think you want end up being the things that you need.”

  I sat up straighter, I had a feeling this was one of those profound moments that I would need to pay attention to.

  “When I was about fifteen, my parents almost lost the farm due to a bad dry spell over a long hot summer that I thought would never end. We almost lost our crops that year, and our only means of making money.

  “After dinner one night, I had overheard my parents talking about selling the farm, and in that moment, I realized that I had an attachment to the place that I never knew I had. I spent most of my life trying to figure out how I could get out of inheriting the farm because I had dreams of becoming an engineer. When I learned that we might lose everything, my priorities changed. I finally had a clear concept of what was important, and what I wanted for my life. Sometimes it takes almost losing something to realize that you had only ever wanted to find it in the first place.”

  Or losing it, only to come to the hard realization that you needed something else, I thought, but didn’t say. Either way, things happened in life that made you question everything you ever thought you’d known. Deciding what to do with it was the hard part.

  “So, what did you do?” I asked.

  “Well,” Grandpa said, “I prayed for rain.”

  ***

  Beck was standing at the counter when I opened up the door to the Crescent Moon. She was leaning over a magazine, flipping through the pages, and looking bored as she did so. The little gold bell above the door chimed as I walked in, announcing my presence.

  “Hey you,” Beck said, pushing the magazine to the side. “You look like absolute hell, are you feeling okay?”

  I look
ed down at my clothing, a pair of jeans and a simple, slightly over-sized gray T-shirt with folded cuffs made up my attire. I thought about being offended by her comment, and then I realized she was probably right. After last night, I could only imagine that my face reflected the exhaustion I felt. I reached up, smoothing my hair instinctively. “I’m fine,” I told her.

  “It doesn’t appear that way,” she said.

  “Thanks,” I said derisively, slumping over onto a wooden stool.

  “You want some coffee?”

  “Uh, no thanks,” I said, “I had a few cups this morning with my grandparents. I just came by to see how you were doing, you know, after everything.” She looked well for someone who had just gone through a major breakup. She was wearing a black skirt that had about three different kinds of fabric, all hanging at different points, and a pretty white blouse tucked into the waistband. I wondered if the ensemble was one of her own creations.

  Beck shrugged with a quick lift of her shoulders. “You know, I thought I’d miss him more. Maybe that part will come later, but I’m just so mad right now that I can’t really see anything else.”

  “That’s normal,” I told her. “Has he tried to contact you?”

  “Only a few dozen times,” she said, propping up on her elbow. “I finally told him that we could never be together after what he’d done, and if he called me one more time I was going to file a harassment claim. I think that finally got the message across. I never say anything that I don’t mean.”

  “Way to lay down the law,” I said.

  “When I stop to think about the time that we spent together–pretty much the last year of my life–none of it was special. Everything was about him, and about the band, and I just went along for the ride.” She shook her head; her eyes were fixed on some far off galaxy that I couldn’t see. “How did I not see any of that at the time?”