Finding Goodbye Read online

  “This looks amazing,” Beck said, digging in.

  “That’s right,” Grandma said, “I recall your aunt mentioning that you were the coffee guru around the place.”

  Beck nodded, swallowing a large bite of her breakfast. “I’m a bit of a caffeine connoisseur. I worship the ground that coffee grows in. I can’t even function unless I have a lethal dose of caffeine coursing through my veins.”

  Grandma’s eyes widened at the use of Beck’s terminology. She didn’t like it when people used bible-talk out of context–false idols and all that.

  “No offense,” Beck said, registering Grandma’s look.

  “None taken,” she said. “So, Darcy tells me that you go to Havenport University?”

  “Yes, I’m a sophomore this year.”

  “And what do you study?” she asked, picking up her mug.

  “Fashion, actually,” Beck said.

  “They have fashion courses at HU?” I asked.

  “It’s not exactly an esteemed fashion school by any means, but I’m learning stuff. I make a lot of my own clothes and hope to eventually run my own boutique. Maybe one of these days I’ll open shop right next door to Aunt Layla’s place so I can sufficiently drive her crazy for the rest of her life.”

  I laughed.

  “After everything she’s forced me to do around the Crescent Moon, I can’t think of anything more gratifying.”

  “Where do your parents reside?” Grandma asked.

  “They’re in the military, so the zip-code of home changes more frequently than I like. It wasn’t bad when I was little, but as a teenager it was a pain in the a–butt,” Beck corrected quickly.

  “I bet that must have been hard for you, switching schools and friends so often like that,” Grandma said.

  Beck shrugged. “I guess it was in the beginning, but I got used to it. My parents think that’s why I’m so blunt,” she air-quoted the word, “I mean I definitely speak my mind. I guess I sort of had to. It wasn’t like I could really waste any time getting to know someone, so I just sort of made a decision on the fly about whether or not I was going to be friends with them.”

  “That’s an interesting tactic,” Grandma said with a chuckle.

  “It’s worked out for me so far.”

  We chatted idly for a while longer, letting the caffeine work its way into our systems. After we had finished up with breakfast, Beck eyed me, tapping an invisible watch on the surface of her wrist.

  “Uh, I actually have to give Beck a ride into work,” I said, pushing out from the table. “I’ll get the dishes when I get back.”

  “Nonsense,” Grandma said, “I can manage them myself.”

  “Thanks for breakfast Mrs. MacKenna,” Beck said, pushing out from her chair. “It’s been a real treat getting to talk with you.”

  “I hope you’ll come back and visit us soon,” Grandma replied, giving Beck a quick hug. I could tell Grandma liked her. My grandma had never been one to put on a show for anyone. She was straightforward, no nonsense.

  Beck tossed her dirty clothes from the night before into an old grocery sack, and started for the stairs.

  “Watch out for Radar,” I warned her as we stepped out onto the porch.

  “What’s a radar?” she asked skeptically. “Please tell me there aren’t any more ducks waiting to pop out from the bushes or something. I don’t think I can handle another near-heart-attack experience.”

  I laughed. No sooner had she asked, Radar came running from the barn and made a beeline for Beck. He circled her feet, barking excitedly.

  “Oh hey, cute doggy.” She bent to pet him. “I don’t understand your name, but at least you’re not a big scary duck,” she said.

  “He used to herd wildlife off the runways at an airport,” I said. “The city couldn’t keep him around, so they put him up for adoption when he was two.”

  “Your grandparents are animal magnets, aren’t they?” she asked.

  “Something like that,” I said.

  I looked up to see Liam’s black Silverado pulling across the gravel drive. He started to head up the lane like he was leaving, but then pumped the brakes when he saw us. He pulled the truck around to face us, and rolled down the window. He leaned over the edge, and I watched the muscle in his forearm tighten.

  I lifted a hand in greeting. “Hey,” I said.

  “I’m glad I caught you,” he said, “I was just on my way to Farm Supply, but I wanted to ask if you were going to be busy later on. I thought maybe we could try a few training techniques with that gray horse.”

  For whatever reason, I felt my heart leap into my throat. He had only asked for my help, but my insides were spinning like he’d asked me on a date instead. God, what was happening to me? “I’m giving Beck a ride to the Pool Hall, but after, no.”

  “Hop in. I’ll give you a ride.”

  “Really?” I asked.

  “It’s not like it’s out of the way,” he said. “I’m going that direction–so long as you don’t mind tagging along to the supply store after.”

  “Oh, she doesn’t mind,” Beck said, grabbing my arm and yanking me in the direction of his passenger’s side door. Liam leaned across the seat, pushing the door open for Beck and I. Beck nudged me out of the way, and slid across the middle–leaving me the window seat.

  “Smooth,” I chided.

  “What?” she croaked, all too innocently. “I’m doing this for you.” She turned to Liam, and extended her hand. “I’m Beck, by the way.”

  “Nice to meet you,” he said, squeezing her hand.

  “It’s really very kind of you to give us a ride. I’m afraid Darcy spent the better part of the night looking out for me. You see, I caught my boyfriend making out with another girl last night after their big show, so I drowned my sorrows in a bottle of vodka, and Darcy was left to handle the aftermath.” She looped her arm around my neck as she said this, “This girl is the absolute best.”

  “Huh,” Liam responded, taking in this new piece of information. I just shook my head, pressing my mouth into a tight line and wishing, for once, that Beck would do the same.

  “Well it’s true,” Beck said. “Darcy saved me.”

  Liam backed out of the drive with his arm propped over the headrest so he could see where he was going. Beck tried to lean into the crook of his arm, but he moved it–perfectly timed–as her head bounced against the headrest. He placed his right hand on the wheel, and his left rested casually at his side. He leaned back into the seat, slouching in a more relaxed position.

  Beck reached forward and scanned through the radio stations, switching from the country station he had been listening to. He raised an eyebrow, but said nothing as we continued down the road. Beck found a pop station that was playing an upbeat tune with a girl’s voice crooning in the foreground.

  “Really?” Liam scrutinized her musical preference.

  “Don’t pretend you don’t like Sia,” she shot back, “everyone likes Sia.”

  “Not everyone,” he said, smirking.

  I shot her a questioning glance; a look that asked, what are you doing? Beck just turned up the volume in response, belting out the chorus and making us both laugh.

  I leaned back into the seat, catching a subtle hint of cologne and something like sandalwood. It was a comforting scent, one that drew me in and relaxed me.

  Beside me, Beck rifled through her purse and dug out her cell phone. “Unbelievable,” she said, thumbing through the missed calls and messages.

  “Are all of those from Rex?” I asked, catching a glimpse of her screen. Approximately twelve calls from the
same number flashed across its surface.

  “Asshole,” she corrected me with a lift of her index finger, “yes, all from Asshole.”

  I snorted.

  “I’m not even going to respond,” she said vehemently. “We’re done.”

  “What’s he saying?” I prompted.

  “Does it matter?” She sighed, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. “I can take a lot you know, but I have a line and he crossed it.”

  I nodded, pressing my mouth together tightly.

  A few minutes later we were driving through campus, the lawn and sidewalks devoid of people. On a Saturday, the place kind of looked like a ghost town. I sat quietly, watching the town go by as we rolled through.

  “The purple Honda is mine,” Beck told Liam as we entered the parking lot at the Pool Hall. He pulled the truck to the empty space in front of hers, letting the engine idle. I opened up the door, hopping out as gracefully as I could manage while holding on to the handle for support.

  “I really appreciate the ride.” She smiled, releasing the full force of her charm.

  “Anytime,” he replied.

  “I’ll just be a minute,” I said, closing the door and walking Beck to her car. Once we were safely out of earshot I asked her if she was going to be all right.

  “I’ll be fine,” she said in a tone that indicated just how not fine she really was. I knew a little something about the stages of grief from the counseling I was forced to take after the accident, and it seemed to me that she had skipped the denial portion of the program and jumped headfirst into the stage of anger.

  “Well,” I sighed, “I’ll be around if you want to talk about it, or just need someone to sit with. I’ll check on you later.”

  “Thanks,” she said. “I’m just going to go home and run it out, maybe go a few rounds on the punching bag and then I’ll be right as rain.” She mimicked making a fist with one hand, smashing it into the open palm of her other. I missed the days where I could run-out my problems. There was something fulfilling about physically pushing through the anger build-up.

  “Okay,” I said, “if you’re sure.”

  “I’ll expect a full report later.” She grinned, nodding her head not so subtly toward the truck. I looked over my shoulder, happy to see that Liam was looking off in a completely different direction.

  “Honestly, Beck.” I didn’t know where to begin.

  “He passed my test in case you were wondering,” she said. “He didn’t get involved in the conversation regarding Rex, nor did he allow me to rest my head against his arm while we were driving–and, to top it all off, he didn’t exactly protest while I tinkered with the radio knobs.”

  “And that should mean what to me, exactly?” I asked. I hadn’t even realized she’d been giving him a “test.”

  “It means he didn’t take advantage of my situation, or allow me to flirt with him, so he clearly isn’t a guy who likes to play games. And a man who lets you control the radio means that he’s willing to make sacrifices in a relationship.”

  “Wow,” I breathed, stretching out the syllables in the word. “You got all of that from a fifteen minute car ride?”

  “You don’t have to tell me how awesome I am, I already know.”

  I lifted an eyebrow, shaking my head.

  “Oh, and one more thing?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back into the side of her car.

  “Yeah?”

  “Did Luke take care of me last night?” she asked, lowering her voice. “I know you couldn’t have carried me up those stairs by yourself.”

  I grinned. “Yeah, he was a real knight in shining armor.”

  “So they do exist?”

  I nodded.

  “Well get out of here,” she said, practically shooing me. “And remember, I need details, lots of details about your day with Liam.”

  I waited until she was safely in her car before turning back for the truck. My stomach tightened a little as I reached for the handle. The fluttering had been muted before with Beck sitting between us, but now that we were alone…

  “She okay?” he asked as I climbed back inside the cab.

  “Yeah,” I replied, sliding the seat belt over my shoulder. Liam put the truck in gear, and pulled out of the parking lot. I noticed he switched back to the country station that had been playing before.

  “How was the show last night?” he asked.

  “It wasn’t bad, if you’re into that kind of music,” I replied. The band had been good, but I wished I could scrub out events that followed after. I was still feeling a little sour about my best friend getting socked in the face and Beck getting her heart broken.

  “I don’t hang out there much, but I’m pretty good at running the table.” He grinned, leaning back with one hand on the wheel.

  “Pool?” I asked.

  He glanced at me sideways with a quizzical expression contorting his features. “You don’t play?”

  “Is that weird?”

  “It’s unnatural,” he said, teasing.

  “I’m not really big into things that involve competition,” I said honestly. Competitive games and sports had always been my brother’s area of expertise. Of course, it helped that Gabriel had been naturally gifted at everything he tried. I had always been envious of him in that way.

  “Who doesn’t enjoy a healthy dose of competition?” Liam asked, still bemused by my response.

  “Well, I did like to run,” I added. “Track and cross country.”

  “And were you good?”

  “Yeah.” I grinned, remembering. “That’s how I got accepted to HU.”

  “A running scholarship?”

  I nodded.

  “How fast were you?”

  “Fast-ish.” I shrugged.

  “Oh come on,” he pleaded. “How quick could you run a mile?”

  “Just under six minutes,” I said. It wasn’t record-breaking fast by any means, but I was good enough to compete. Gabriel had been the star in that department, too. I think I enjoyed running so much because it was the one sport I could pretty much keep up with him. Luke couldn’t run to save his life, so track and cross had been the one thing that Gabriel and I shared together. No one else could touch that.

  “Impressive,” Liam said.

  “I miss feeling like I can fly.”

  “So why did you stop?” He turned to look at me briefly, his eyes finding mine for only a split-second before they darted back to the road. I looked out the window, watching as we passed through the outskirts of town, thinking of a good way to answer but there was nothing but the hard truth.

  “Do you know about me?” I asked, deciding that was a safe place to start, “About the accident?” I was looking down at my hands now, flexing my fingers as I waited for him to reply.

  “Some things,” he admitted timidly. His voice had a deep, sullen sound to it. Strange, I thought. He sounded more affected by it than a normal stranger would. There was something else there, something I could exactly name, but from where I was sitting, there was a pained expression in his gaze.

  “I don’t really move like I used to,” I said. “I know there are people out there who have had an entire leg replacement and they can still run and do normal things… My leg was crushed, breaking in the rarest way. It was a very tricky surgery,” I explained. “They had to fuse a few areas back together, so things don’t bend like they should.” I thought about the scar mapping of ugly lines beneath the surface of my jeans.

  Liam was looking straight forward, the muscles in his jaw working tightly over the bone ther
e. I was afraid I had maybe said too much. Was he disgusted? “I’d show you the scars, but I don’t want to gross you out,” I added, hoping to lighten the mood.

  “Scars aren’t gross,” he replied, giving me a half smile. “They’re just reminders that you came out stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.”

  We were turning down a road I didn’t recognize, and I used the view as an excuse to hold onto the silence. I was sure that anything I said would have ruined the moment. I wanted to cling to the sincerity of his words.

  I turned my gaze toward the road up ahead and watched the passing countryside. An older country song was playing on the radio when Liam leaned forward, cracking the windows. A fresh breeze swirled through the cab, causing loose tendrils of hair to sweep across my face, tickling my nose. I wasn’t sure if it was the steady tune pulsing through the cab making me feel this way, or the wind on my skin, but I felt light–airy. I couldn’t stop myself from sneaking sideways glances at Liam, studying the shape of his arms and his hands on the wheel. I was beginning to understand that whenever I was around him, nothing but the present seemed to exist. It was an intoxicating sort of feeling, and I wondered if he realized he had that effect on me. I hoped not.

  Liam slowed the truck as we approached a lower speed limit sign, heading back into town. He flipped his turn signal, and pulled into the Farm Supply store. I followed him across the nearly empty parking lot, pausing in the doorway as he pulled the glass door open for me. I stepped inside, adjusting my sight against the bright florescent lights that were gleaming off the white, scuffed linoleum tiles. Up ahead were rows of clothes for both men and women, all seeming to sport either plaid or camouflage patterns. I followed Liam through the store, passing aisles that appeared to have an array of anything one might need on a farm. Bright red placards with white lettering hung over each aisle, indication markers that narrowed down the search.

  I followed Liam past a row of rakes and shovels and other various lawn-care items until we reached the livestock section of the store. Liam turned again, easing his way through the aisles like he’d been here hundreds of times. I struggled to keep up with his long strides.